Thursday, November 24, 2005
Thanksgiving 2005
(First - a Thank You to MaryGrace for your comment. Please email me privately at "orange@indy.net" because I can't find your email address on Blogspot. THX!)
Last year at this time Alan was meeting my parents, my Aunt Michelle and her husband Mark at our Thanksgiving dinner in Indianapolis. My whole family now agrees that it was amazing and heartwarming how easily he fit into our family. My dad had found a new friend he could geek with about ham radio and computers. My sister was thrilled that he was such a dancer. My mom loved his intellect and how open he was about sharing his passions. My Aunt Michelle said "I think you should marry him," and I said "I think that's a good idea."
When it was all over and Alan and I were snuggling back at my apartment in a tired pretzel in bed, I felt as though he and I had just gotten over a hump. I'd met all his family and he'd met mine. Everyone got along enough that I felt safe in the idea of joining his family and having him join mine. I remember never feeling such overflowing joy. I felt like I wanted nothing more than to devote my life to this man and enjoy being a family with him. I knew then that I would marry him.
Today I am torn. I am happy beyond compare that my sister and my parents are alive and healthy and cooking a turkey together in Long Island. I am also rageful and profoundly sad that Alan is not here with us. I would have given anything to have had an argument with him about whose family to visit for Thanksgiving. I wish I could be discussing with him the family politics about who to visit for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year's. Had Alan lived, I know we'd at least be together today sharing quality time with the Coutinho's, the Schamess's, or the Wormser's. Even though my family's Thanksgiving table looks like it has for many of the last thirty or so Thanksgivings, it is still missing a huge piece that was here last year. Alan is supposed to be here with me today, and he's not.
So, as you're taking whatever moments you take today to give thanks, thank the powers of the universe that you have what you have. Be grateful for whoever is at your table today because they may not be there next year. I am counting my blessings right now, and I am grateful for my sister, my parents, my aunt and uncle, my Aunt Michelle, my cousins, my grandmother, and the many friends not related by blood who have shown me selfless support over the past 14 weeks and 6 days. I am grateful for the mountains of love, hugs, and support that have been freely given to me, and I know I will pay it forward or pay it back.
My love goes out in spirit to Lisa and Debbie and their families today. They're Thanksgiving tables feel the same absense mine does today, and I stand with them in grief. I'm also thinking about the Bissetts, Kerynn's two brothers and her parents. I don't know them hardly at all, but I know today they're feeling a similar pain from missing Kerynn.
Alan talked about how the Thanksgivings each year were a great snapshot of how his life deterriorated through and after Kerynn's illness. In 2001 they were together and facing an uncertain and scary future. In 2002, Alan was a wreck and alone. In 2003, Alan was recovering. And in Thanksgiving 2004, Alan had light in his life once again and was on the road to a second chapter in life with me. Now in 2005, I know something of what Alan's Thanksgiving was like in 2002. I wish I had him here to talk to about how he dealt with his loss.
The holidays are challenging, and I feel like I'm holding my breath until New Year's Day. New Year's is going to suck too because Alan and I had a very beautiful dancing New Year's Eve date last year.
So, if you're reading this, get offline right now and call your mom. Or your sister, brother, grandma or whoever you're not seeing in person today. Tell them that you love them even if you're currently arguing over who spent Thanksgiving with whom this year. People have strokes, heart attacks, and car crashes every day, and we need to treasure every moment we have with our loved ones. They may not be here next year.
God bless those mourners of Alan Wormser and Kerynn Bissett today.
Last year at this time Alan was meeting my parents, my Aunt Michelle and her husband Mark at our Thanksgiving dinner in Indianapolis. My whole family now agrees that it was amazing and heartwarming how easily he fit into our family. My dad had found a new friend he could geek with about ham radio and computers. My sister was thrilled that he was such a dancer. My mom loved his intellect and how open he was about sharing his passions. My Aunt Michelle said "I think you should marry him," and I said "I think that's a good idea."
When it was all over and Alan and I were snuggling back at my apartment in a tired pretzel in bed, I felt as though he and I had just gotten over a hump. I'd met all his family and he'd met mine. Everyone got along enough that I felt safe in the idea of joining his family and having him join mine. I remember never feeling such overflowing joy. I felt like I wanted nothing more than to devote my life to this man and enjoy being a family with him. I knew then that I would marry him.
Today I am torn. I am happy beyond compare that my sister and my parents are alive and healthy and cooking a turkey together in Long Island. I am also rageful and profoundly sad that Alan is not here with us. I would have given anything to have had an argument with him about whose family to visit for Thanksgiving. I wish I could be discussing with him the family politics about who to visit for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year's. Had Alan lived, I know we'd at least be together today sharing quality time with the Coutinho's, the Schamess's, or the Wormser's. Even though my family's Thanksgiving table looks like it has for many of the last thirty or so Thanksgivings, it is still missing a huge piece that was here last year. Alan is supposed to be here with me today, and he's not.
So, as you're taking whatever moments you take today to give thanks, thank the powers of the universe that you have what you have. Be grateful for whoever is at your table today because they may not be there next year. I am counting my blessings right now, and I am grateful for my sister, my parents, my aunt and uncle, my Aunt Michelle, my cousins, my grandmother, and the many friends not related by blood who have shown me selfless support over the past 14 weeks and 6 days. I am grateful for the mountains of love, hugs, and support that have been freely given to me, and I know I will pay it forward or pay it back.
My love goes out in spirit to Lisa and Debbie and their families today. They're Thanksgiving tables feel the same absense mine does today, and I stand with them in grief. I'm also thinking about the Bissetts, Kerynn's two brothers and her parents. I don't know them hardly at all, but I know today they're feeling a similar pain from missing Kerynn.
Alan talked about how the Thanksgivings each year were a great snapshot of how his life deterriorated through and after Kerynn's illness. In 2001 they were together and facing an uncertain and scary future. In 2002, Alan was a wreck and alone. In 2003, Alan was recovering. And in Thanksgiving 2004, Alan had light in his life once again and was on the road to a second chapter in life with me. Now in 2005, I know something of what Alan's Thanksgiving was like in 2002. I wish I had him here to talk to about how he dealt with his loss.
The holidays are challenging, and I feel like I'm holding my breath until New Year's Day. New Year's is going to suck too because Alan and I had a very beautiful dancing New Year's Eve date last year.
So, if you're reading this, get offline right now and call your mom. Or your sister, brother, grandma or whoever you're not seeing in person today. Tell them that you love them even if you're currently arguing over who spent Thanksgiving with whom this year. People have strokes, heart attacks, and car crashes every day, and we need to treasure every moment we have with our loved ones. They may not be here next year.
God bless those mourners of Alan Wormser and Kerynn Bissett today.
