Thursday, December 29, 2005
Christmas break
This year I spent 5 days visiting my folks in New York for Christmas. My sister was there and we all got to visit Mom's branch of the family and break all the rules of Weight Watchers. We baked the traditional 4 favorite cookie recipes, drank good wine, exchanged lots of presents, sat in awe of how pretty the tree is, and took the time away from the rest of the nutty lives we lead to be in a space focused on family. Since my folks moved back to the east coast, we've added another Christmas tradition of spending a day in Manhattan seeing the Met and a show. My mom's developed a game of seeing how dramatically she can surprise my sister and me with which show she got tickets for. This year she scored again since she got tickets for the new Andrew Loyd Webber, "The Woman in White." Very cool show. I didn't even know he was working on a new one. I'm rather out of touch with Broadway anymore.
It was a nice vacation, and I was overwhelmed with thoughts of What Could Have Been. Last year, I spent 10 days on the east coast for Christmas/New Year's break - half with my folks and half with Alan. This year, Alan was supposed to come spend Christmas coming with me to my folks' house. I always thought it was an amusing convenience to marry a Jewish guy so that I could avoid the traditional struggles my Christian cousins and friends experience when they get married and have to negotiate which in-laws to spend Christmas with. Given that Christmas has a much more family oriented focus in the New York Coutinho house than a religious focus, Alan would have enjoyed last week's trip with me quite a lot. He would have loved the food, the family kibutzing, the trip to Manhattan, and the quality time to just hang with the family. Lord knows he and my dad would have spent a lot of time in the basement playing with radios.
My sister took the cake this year by causing me to say "It's just like Christmas - I got a menorah!" During a pre-Christmas chat, I asked Mom where I might buy a Menorah here on Long Island since I wanted to do Hanukkah prayers and never got the time to shop for a menroah and Lisa wanted to keep Alan's old one. As Mom started thinking about various resources nearby, my sister Kathi runs out of the room and comes back with pretty blue box. She was going to save it for Christmas, but decided to keep me from any disastrous last minute shopping fiasco and just give the gift to me right then. It was a pretty little menroah with birthday-cake-sized candles! She'd gotten it the previous April on sale at Hallmark in anticipation of my upcoming multi-cultural holiday season of 2005. Even though I won't be sharing Hanukkah with Alan this year, I still enjoy the rituals of Jewish tradition and thinking of him as I learn them. My little menorah has kept me company this week, and I hope to share it with Lisa and Mona before Hanukah's over. (I highly recomend www.jewfaq.org for all your prayer text needs!)
Last year, my sister made a new set of family member Christmas tree ornaments, one for each of us with our names on it, and she made an ornament for Alan. A pretty yellow one to look pretty next to my orange one. I was so excited last year to be experiencing the motions that brought Alan into my family. My mom got extra bedding furniture expecting that Alan would be here, and I was researching ways to make cookies with Splenda so they'd be easier for a diabetic body to enjoy. This year when we went to Cousin Deana's house for the big family Christmas dinner, I kept feeling like Alan should be here to meet everyone on this extended branch of Mom's side of my family. They were all very kind this year and acknowledged my loss with a sense of awkwardness I'm coming to expect from people who want to be happy during the holidays and acknowledge Alan's death as well.
So, Christmas wasn't really cheery for me, but it was filled with well meaning people. Most of my family members paused for at least one moment to be awkward in remembering that Alan was supposed to be here this year, and though I never got the guts up enough to ask for a moment of silence or a toast to absent friends, Alan's absence didn't go unacknowledged.
My Christmas memories of Alan are all about the anticipation of adding him to my family. The Coutinhos, OConners, Landhousers, and Metcalfs were all ready to welcome Alan into the clan. This year all we could do was be awkward and say "I just don't know what to say."
Since Alan and I actually got to spend New Year's together last year, this coming weekend is going to be a great deal harder than last week. Since my lunch hour's about over, I'll have to write about New Year's later.
--Lara
It was a nice vacation, and I was overwhelmed with thoughts of What Could Have Been. Last year, I spent 10 days on the east coast for Christmas/New Year's break - half with my folks and half with Alan. This year, Alan was supposed to come spend Christmas coming with me to my folks' house. I always thought it was an amusing convenience to marry a Jewish guy so that I could avoid the traditional struggles my Christian cousins and friends experience when they get married and have to negotiate which in-laws to spend Christmas with. Given that Christmas has a much more family oriented focus in the New York Coutinho house than a religious focus, Alan would have enjoyed last week's trip with me quite a lot. He would have loved the food, the family kibutzing, the trip to Manhattan, and the quality time to just hang with the family. Lord knows he and my dad would have spent a lot of time in the basement playing with radios.
My sister took the cake this year by causing me to say "It's just like Christmas - I got a menorah!" During a pre-Christmas chat, I asked Mom where I might buy a Menorah here on Long Island since I wanted to do Hanukkah prayers and never got the time to shop for a menroah and Lisa wanted to keep Alan's old one. As Mom started thinking about various resources nearby, my sister Kathi runs out of the room and comes back with pretty blue box. She was going to save it for Christmas, but decided to keep me from any disastrous last minute shopping fiasco and just give the gift to me right then. It was a pretty little menroah with birthday-cake-sized candles! She'd gotten it the previous April on sale at Hallmark in anticipation of my upcoming multi-cultural holiday season of 2005. Even though I won't be sharing Hanukkah with Alan this year, I still enjoy the rituals of Jewish tradition and thinking of him as I learn them. My little menorah has kept me company this week, and I hope to share it with Lisa and Mona before Hanukah's over. (I highly recomend www.jewfaq.org for all your prayer text needs!)
Last year, my sister made a new set of family member Christmas tree ornaments, one for each of us with our names on it, and she made an ornament for Alan. A pretty yellow one to look pretty next to my orange one. I was so excited last year to be experiencing the motions that brought Alan into my family. My mom got extra bedding furniture expecting that Alan would be here, and I was researching ways to make cookies with Splenda so they'd be easier for a diabetic body to enjoy. This year when we went to Cousin Deana's house for the big family Christmas dinner, I kept feeling like Alan should be here to meet everyone on this extended branch of Mom's side of my family. They were all very kind this year and acknowledged my loss with a sense of awkwardness I'm coming to expect from people who want to be happy during the holidays and acknowledge Alan's death as well.
So, Christmas wasn't really cheery for me, but it was filled with well meaning people. Most of my family members paused for at least one moment to be awkward in remembering that Alan was supposed to be here this year, and though I never got the guts up enough to ask for a moment of silence or a toast to absent friends, Alan's absence didn't go unacknowledged.
My Christmas memories of Alan are all about the anticipation of adding him to my family. The Coutinhos, OConners, Landhousers, and Metcalfs were all ready to welcome Alan into the clan. This year all we could do was be awkward and say "I just don't know what to say."
Since Alan and I actually got to spend New Year's together last year, this coming weekend is going to be a great deal harder than last week. Since my lunch hour's about over, I'll have to write about New Year's later.
--Lara
